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I’ll keep it short: If you wanna go to Earth, don’t.  Only reason I went was a deal I found where you could see the whole planet for under a thousand credits.  I could’ve spent it tearing up the dunes on Mars getting trashed on Luna brew, but no, I fell for the whole “Gotta see Earth” BS, and blew half my savings waiting to feel that precious connection with the “Homeworld”.  Homeworld, my ass.  Whole planets a big, fat, money making scam.

I’ll start with the weather -- it sucks.  One minute you’re freezing your ass off on some mountain ‘vista’, the next minute you’re getting a heat stroke in some ‘scenic’ desert.  It’s like a little planetary theme park:  One part Mars, one part Neptune, one part Europa, all balled up into one miserable rock of an existence.  Even if you like these little Environments, they’re so jam packed with tourists from every armpit of the galaxy, you end up sharing the Amazon and the Pyramids and the Great Wall (not so great, by the way) with a bunch of hicks from Epsilon who were born without volume control.   I spent more time trying to get out of these places than I did getting in them.

Don’t even get me started on the transportation.  There’s no Aero-rail -- just cabs.  Worse, they're not even automated!  Soon as you leave port, drivers swarm you like a pack of zombies who won’t leave you alone till you get in one of their speeders.

“Where you headed, boss?” they say.  “Hop in, chief!”

Hop in.  You believe that?  Felt like I was stuck in the 20th century.  Asked one of them if I could take a Travelbot instead.

“Sorry, pal, no bots on Earth -- all part of the experience.”

Part of the experience?  I guess getting charged 500 credits to have your driver get lost in the Dubai sprawl is part the experience, too.

Oh yeah.  They don’t shut up, either.

“Where you from?” they say.  “How do you like the Homeworld?” they ask.

Just drive, pal, a robot could do your job.

“Come on, relax, pal,” they cry.  “People lived like this for thousands of years.”

Yeah -- they also lived till they were 70 and died from every form of cancer in the medical lexicon (and with the crap they ate, no wonder).  Hamburgers?  Kung Pao Chicken?  Were these people asking to die?  Give me some Tritan Rice and a bottle of Neutrinine and you got yourself a happy man.  Of course, they don’t have any on Earth – they gotta keep everything “authentic”.  And nothing’s as authentic as the all you can drink “fresh water” springs.  Springs?  SPRINGS!?!  You can’t drink any of it without hacking up your intestines!!!  Locals don’t even drink the stuff.  Only thing I could drink was a bottle of Terraquor that barely got me tipsy enough to forget I was on the sorry rock in the first place.

You want my advice, save your money and go to Saturn.

Earth’s a tourist trap.


Bio: When not surfing the net for a living, Noah Griffith enjoys reading, writing, more reading, and enjoying Asian food in his Koreatown neighborhood.  He lives in Los Angeles.


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