I am gently used. Years have come and gone, memories etched in stone. The timing could not have been prevented, no matter who took control? I always knew you cared. I thought you cared out of sanity and the desire to meet society’s classification of a normal person. My heart weeps with pain when you reveal yourself to me. If only I had known before, would I have been able to accept it? I am sure things would be different now. I do not have an answer. I plead my feelings to you like a dam with no manpower. My tears come naturally as I bare my naked soul to you. Tears of your own threaten to escape; you are feisty enough to tell me this is not how I feel. Who did you say you were again? I pray to have you erased from my mind. It is the only way I know how to cope, the memories denied. I want them gone forever! Love and desire is what you have thrown at me. They sting like grains of rice thrown on my wedding day. My body glistens with sweat as it tries to contain itself. Everything is laid out and opens, like a virgin at her prom. Hours later, your fears, not mine stamp across the possibilities. I admire your nerve, you politely ask me to stay with you always. Just as a friend, by your side for all eternity. I smile and I tell you that your behaviour disgusts me. Are you happy to see me or thoughts of moments you share with her linger like an intricate spider web? I will be honest and say I do not think I can do this, be second place. No matter the options, I calculate and try to embrace. It is of no use and a waste of my time. With the cards I can shuffle and play, the solution to this formula is the same. I lose. If I stay, I will have moments of ecstasy and moments of pure strangulation. If I leave, the times that are addictive will disappear quicker then I will have time to shower off the filth. I will be left with suffocation and bitterness that will drive me to the bottom of the earth. This place is completely foreign to me. I will put it to you straight. I laugh, I am jealous. You tell me she does not want you to see me anymore because of me. It is absurd really. A clear sign of where your loyalties lie, with her. I understand you hurt. I wish I could put my arms around you and be there, just so you know that someone does love you. I try to rush by your side; you stop me in my tracks. You do not want me to be here for you. You want space and no trace of me. You deny our friendship because of a few carnal moments with her. Your cookie starts to crumble. I try to reason. If you go into her arms she will forbid our friendship. You deny me to be with her. It is a forensic lie to fabricate a fantasy. I am on a cliff and wait for a moment that will change my life for eternity. You will put your arms around me and we will walk away together. Or you will throw me off the cliff and watch me go. Ecstasy was mine to grasp briefly. I am sad and hurt. You walk away from me. I am angry there is a chance that you might give me up at all. Not just for her or for the next one, but generally for anyone or anything at all. Is Liar your middle name? After all we have been through. What a fool I am to believe your meaningless words that declare your unconditional love for me. I poke a hole in the silence that is spread like a consummation blanket before us. I just want to hear that you care, you confirm and then silence. You stand up with tears in your eyes, I sit in silence. If I look at you and say one word or move, I will crumple to the ground. I do not want you to see my weakness. You walk over to me, your arms embrace me, and my tears start. You say nothing; bless your sweet lips on my neck. You let go, turn and walk away. I pick up a shovel and plunge it into the earth. It is time to start digging.
Bio: My name is Catina Noble. I am a freelance writer and photographer. I have been published inThe Prairie Journal, The Riverview Park Review, The Mindful Word, Babypost, Canadian Newcomer, Mainstreeter, PENand CultivateTo. I suffer from stationary sickness and can never have too many pens or notebooks! I am a single mom of four and I love the words “carpe diem”, today, tomorrow and always!